Retail of the future

Walking past the storefront of a local ‘psychic’ this morning gave me an unusual business idea. What if you were to use honesty to gain an advantage in the competitive fortune-telling industry?

Sure, it sounds self-contradictory. Since time immemorial, deception has been the very foundation of the business. Anybody who claims an ability to predict events based on tarot cards, astrology, palm reading, or suchlike is an outright liar. That said, there’s a clear demand. So much so, in fact, that generations of customers have been willing to accept a placebo product in lieu of just accepting fate’s indiscriminate whimsy.

So here’s the idea: throw out the crystal ball, the tarot cards, the Ouija board. Let’s not ask for our palms to be crossed with silver: Visa or Mastercard will do nicely. Give up on the whole mystic shtick and replace the glowing neon pronouncement of “Madame W’zel: Psychic” with a new sign. A professional sign. A trustworthy sign. In the grandest, most upstanding serifs, it will read:

“Marianne Chanceweasel: Speculator”

This revolutionary new concept in retail ­­will give superior comfort to the anxious using the very finest in evidence-based statistical prognostication.

Witness the difference!

Madame W’zel, that girl I was telling you about… I’m still struggling to get her to notice me. What chance the masters of fate have destined us to be happy together?

Ah, son. Affairs of the heart can be among life’s deepest mysteries, and I can see the burden this longing is placing on your tortured, young soul. You’ve certainly come to the right place. Let’s shuffle a deck of cards and force tenuous interpretations on the draw until you’re comforted enough to ensure repeat business.

Reassured? Me neither. Let’s see if we can do better...

Ms Chanceweasel, that girl I was telling you about… I’m still struggling to get her to notice me. What chance the masters of fate have destined us to be happy together?

Well, to look at you, it’s very unlikely she hasn’t noticed you per se. Statistically I might put the odds of attraction at anywhere from twenty to thirty percent; if you wouldn’t mind stepping on the weighing scales just here, that’s great, I should be able to quote with a little more precision. I have to warn you though… in my experience, the very fact that you had to ask gives you less than a 5% hope of turning things in your favor. But, chin up, an hour a day in the gym and your odds could be well into the double-digits.

Did you see what we did there? Specificity in our predictions! Actionable advice! References to historical data! And we never once asked you to swallow any paranormal mumbo jumbo.

And that’s just for starters! At our upcoming drive-thru centers, we can assure you – for under a dollar! – that your careful choice of lottery numbers won’t improve your snowball in hell’s chance, and that your late uncle is not asking us to channel his thoughts from beyond the grave. Our network of coin-operated, fully-automated kiosks are ready to learn all about your dilemmas of career progression, and just can’t wait to tell you how you’ll always miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. Meanwhile, our fortune cookies bear only the most prescient information on the dangers of overindulging in sugary, fatty, baked snacks.

As competitive advantages go, you’d have to admit… it’ll be hard for the astrologers to stay in the game.

Franchise opportunities available.